[Avodah] [Areivim] Children at a Wedding

[Akiva Blum]

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From: Joseph C. Kaplan [mailto:jkaplan at tenzerlunin.com] 


why should there be any minhag at all?  There are so many differing factors that
are relevant in trying to do the best thing for both the children and the
marrying couple; 

 
RAB: On the contrary. Would you be able to tell your child "Sorry, you can't
come to my wedding. My new husband/wife doesn't like you/may not like you/feels
uncomfortable with you around/may feel uncomfortable with you around, etc."
 
Much better to have a fixed minhag. Sorry kid, you can't come, that's the
minhag!
 
Me: Sure it's easier.  But one part of being a parent is knowing when to say
"no" and that's not easy.  But that's why we get paid the big bucks.  And, of
course, what if we want to say "yes" which would be appropriate in many cases.
In such a case, how do we answer the kids question "but isn't the minhag not
to?"  Hey, let's take some responsibility and not rely on the crutch of
"minhag."
 
Joseph Kaplan 
 
Yes, the correct response is that "the minhag is not to". Why? Because, even
though in our particular case, it might be appropriate that you children do come
to the wedding, this minhag is to protect the feelings of those in far more
awkward circumstances. We will put ourselves out for the sake of others. That is
taking responsibility.
 
It seems that this is similar to a wealthy man deliberately curtailing the
expenses of his child's wedding, in consideration of all the other not so
wealthy folk.
 
Akiva

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