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<FONT size=2 face=Tahoma><B>From:</B> Joseph C. Kaplan
[mailto:jkaplan@tenzerlunin.com] <BR></FONT></DIV>
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<DIV style="FONT: 10pt arial">why should there be any minhag at all?
There are so many differing factors that are relevant in trying to do the
best thing for both the children and the marrying couple;<SPAN
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face=Arial> </FONT></SPAN></DIV>
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<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT color=#0000ff size=2
face=Arial>RAB: On the contrary. Would you be able to tell your child
"Sorry, you can't come to my wedding. My new husband/wife doesn't like
you/may not like you/feels uncomfortable with you around/may feel
uncomfortable with you around, etc."</FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT color=#0000ff size=2
face=Arial></FONT></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT color=#0000ff size=2
face=Arial>Much better to have a fixed minhag. Sorry kid, you can't come,
that's the minhag!</FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT color=#0000ff size=2
face=Arial></FONT></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT color=#0000ff size=2
face=Arial>Me: Sure it's easier. But one part of being a parent is
knowing when to say "no" and that's not easy. But that's why we get
paid the big bucks. And, of course, what if we want to say "yes"
which would be appropriate in many cases. In such a case, how do we
answer the kids question "but isn't the minhag not to?" Hey, let's
take some responsibility and not rely on the crutch of
"minhag."</FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT color=#0000ff size=2
face=Arial></FONT></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT face=Arial><FONT
color=#0000ff><FONT size=2>Joseph Kaplan<SPAN
class=109454620-02112009> </SPAN></FONT></FONT></FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT face=Arial><FONT
color=#0000ff><FONT size=2><SPAN
class=109454620-02112009></SPAN></FONT></FONT></FONT></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT face=Arial><FONT
color=#0000ff><FONT size=2><SPAN class=109454620-02112009>Yes, the correct
response is that "the minhag is not to". Why? Because, even though in our
particular case, it might be appropriate that you children do come to the
wedding, this minhag is to protect the feelings of those in far more
awkward circumstances. We will put ourselves out for the sake of others.
That is taking responsibility.</SPAN></FONT></FONT></FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT face=Arial><FONT
color=#0000ff><FONT size=2><SPAN
class=109454620-02112009></SPAN></FONT></FONT></FONT></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT face=Arial><FONT
color=#0000ff><FONT size=2><SPAN class=109454620-02112009>It seems that
this is similar to a wealthy man deliberately curtailing the expenses of
his child's wedding, in consideration of all the other not so wealthy
folk.</SPAN></FONT></FONT></FONT></SPAN></DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT face=Arial><FONT
color=#0000ff><FONT size=2><SPAN
class=109454620-02112009></SPAN></FONT></FONT></FONT></SPAN> </DIV>
<DIV><SPAN class=468590706-02112009><FONT face=Arial><FONT
color=#0000ff><FONT size=2><SPAN
class=109454620-02112009>Akiva</SPAN></FONT></FONT></FONT></SPAN></DIV></BLOCKQUOTE></BLOCKQUOTE></BLOCKQUOTE></BODY></HTML>