[Avodah] Aveilus

[Prof. Levine]

At 10:12 AM 11/10/2008, you wrote:

>On Sun, Nov 09, 2008 at 05:06:01AM -0500, Cantor Wolberg wrote:
>: I once saw a beautiful teshuva regarding the halacha of the length of
>: aveilus and the seeming disparity between only 30 days for a child and
>: a year for parents.
>: When parents loses a child they will be mourning the rest of their
>: lives, therefore, in order not to exacerbate it, halacha has
>: compassionately made the (external) aveilus for only 30 days....
>
>I could argue the reverse. Since aveilus is cathartic, the person who
>feels the pain longer should be given the tool to feel like he has done
>justice to his feelings and the memory of the deceased. Someone who can
>get past it on their own more readily doesn't need to be given aveilus
>to help him work it out for as long of a period.
>
>Tir'u baTov!
>-Micha

Let me preface what I write by pointing out that I have lost a son. 
Avraham Chaim Shimshon, A"H, was killed in a car accident in 
December, 1991. He was 15 and half years old. I mention this to let 
you know that it is indeed true that when a parent "loses a child, 
they are indeed in mourning for the rest of their lives."

I recall hearing the following from Rav P. M. Teitz, ZT'L. He asked, 
"Why is it that the aveilus for a parent is a year whereas that for a 
child is only one month? After all, people are almost always more 
greatly affected by the loss of a child." He replied (and here I am 
paraphrasing) , "Everyone knows that his parents are going to pass 
away. This is the way of the world. Therefore, there may be a 
tendency for a child to 'downplay' the loss of a parent. Hence, the 
period of mourning is a year, so that the child does not 'forget.'. 
However, for a child there is never any 'downplaying' of the loss. 
Only a month is needed."

I have sat shiva 4 times - for a brother, a son and my parents. My 
personal experience is that Rav Teitz's observation is on the mark.

Yitzchok Levine 
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