[Avodah] Aveilus

[Micha Berger]

On Mon, Nov 10, 2008 at 11:02:01AM -0500, Prof. Levine wrote:
: Let me preface what I write by pointing out that I have lost a son. 
: Avraham Chaim Shimshon, A"H, was killed in a car accident in 
: December, 1991. He was 15 and half years old. I mention this to let 
: you know that it is indeed true that when a parent "loses a child, 
: they are indeed in mourning for the rest of their lives."

(My heart goes out to you, as well as to R' Yisrael and Rn Chaya Gitl
Goldworm of Boro Park. They just lost a son in a similar manner. Eliyahu
Goldworm a"h was a 16 yr old talmid in the Lakewood Mesivta. He was hit
by a car yesterday and was niftar in the wee hours of the morning.

(I lost an infant, 18 yrs ago, and that was more pain than I knew how
to handle. There are still times I can't get through the 2nd berakhah
of Shemoneh Esrei without having to wipe my eyes and take deep breaths
to clear the feeling of a lump in my throat after "mechalkeil chaim
beCHESSED". To loose a teenager, who already became a person, whose
personality you learned... I can not imagine it. May no one else have
to live through such things.)

: I recall hearing the following from Rav P. M. Teitz, ZT'L. He asked, 
: "Why is it that the aveilus for a parent is a year whereas that for a 
: child is only one month? After all, people are almost always more 
: greatly affected by the loss of a child." He replied (and here I am 
: paraphrasing) , "Everyone knows that his parents are going to pass 
: away. This is the way of the world. Therefore, there may be a 
: tendency for a child to 'downplay' the loss of a parent. Hence, the 
: period of mourning is a year, so that the child does not 'forget.'. 
: However, for a child there is never any 'downplaying' of the loss. 
: Only a month is needed."

My reply to Cantor Wolberg's post questioned the assumed connection
between metzi'us and din. According to RYBS and others, the purpose of
aveilus is to give a constructive means of channeling the emotions of
mourning. If so, someone who is more likely to feel the emotions longer
should be given a longer aveilus, not shorter. Which, I suppose, is why
RYBS has to define the rest of the 12 months as being kibud av va'eim
more than aveilus itself.

One might say that there is little machloqes. RYBS might hold that aveilus
is catharsis, and the kibud av va'eim is in not downplaying the loss.

Tir'u baTov!
-Micha

-- 
Micha Berger             "Fortunate indeed, is the man who takes
micha at aishdas.org        exactly the right measure of himself,  and
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