[Avodah] attending a C service [was: More on Reviving a Ritual of Tending...]

[T613K at aol.com]

From: Isaac Balbin <Isaac.Balbin at rmit.edu.au>
To: 
 
>> I draw your attention to the recently published Divrei  HaRav, where an 
ex-C B'aal Tshuva asked whether he should attend the C service  for his 
brother's Bar Mitzvah. RYBS was very very uncomfortable, and to be sure,  you 
*can't* learn from one situation to another, but his advice was to daven  
beforehand in a proper minyan, attend, but never answer Amen, and stand when  
they sit, and sit when they stand! This might even be interpreted as being  
mekayem the mitzvah to be moche! <<




>>>>>
My father (R' Nachman Bulman, for newbies) held that it is assur to  enter 
a C or R sanctuary for any reason.  He, and much of the RW Torah  world, 
sharply disagreed with RYBS and parts of the MO world on this  issue.  (At the 
same time he held RYBS in great esteem -- he was a student  of RYBS and 
never denied the Rav's greatness.)
 
Personally R' Bulman dealt with numerous individuals, probably  thousands 
over the years, who had serious family conflicts with non-O relatives,  non-O 
simchas and occasions, visits home to non-O parents and so on.  He  guided 
them step by step as to what to say and how to behave in order to be  
mefayes their disgruntled relatives.  But bending on principle was not part  of 
the allowable spectrum of reaction to these painful family situations.   With 
tact and patience, and enough time, the non-frum relatives can eventually  
be won over and will ultimately respect you for sticking to your  principles.
 
My father did not consider his stance to be a policy decision but a  
halachic decision.
 
Not only did he consider it halachically wrong to enter a C sanctuary, he  
also considered it wrong -- a violation of midvar sheker tirchak -- to 
secretly  daven at home and then pretend to pray in the C synagogue.
On that latter point at least it seems he would have agreed with RYBS not  
to answer Amen in a C sanctuary, not to stand when they stand and so  on.  
If a person was going to violate the first issur by entering the C  sanctuary 
for a family bar mitzva, he should at least not compound his sin by  
appearing to pray there, i.e., he should not even open a siddur in the C  
sanctuary but should sit in the back obviously not praying.
 
However, a BT should /not/ cut his ties with his family and should not  
write them off.   That's a subject for a another thread, maybe for a  book.  
Harsh and angry words from the non-O relatives should be met with  soft and 
loving words, and patience.   The work you do on your  own middos will 
ultimately do much more to win their affection and respect  than any attempt on 
your part to meet them on their turf.
 


--Toby Katz
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