[Avodah] children at a wedding

[T613K at aol.com]

> Children "fashter" the simcha because in their hearts they  are
> never wholeheartedly besimcha to see one parent marrying
>  another partner, whether the other parent died or was "lost"
> because of  divorce.  [--TK]
 
 

>>On the one hand, despite many posts in this thread, and the  several 
sources offered for this practice, this is the first and (so far) only  attempt 
at explaining the *reasons* behind this practice. And for that I offer  my 
thanks to RTK.

But I still don't understand it.

Are you  suggesting that a person should not attend a wedding unless he 
will be there  "wholeheartedly besimcha"?

Would that logic forbid a parent to attend a  child's wedding, if the 
parent is opposed to this shidduch? ...<<
 
 
Akiva Miller
 


>>>>>  
I don't think what I wrote about children not being wholeheartedly besimcha 
 is the whole, or only, reason.  I didn't mean it to be exhaustive.
 
A factor related to what I wrote, about children putting a chill on their  
parents' wedding, is that the children are tangible reminders for everyone  
to see -- the chasan and kallah and all the guests -- that there was a 
previous  marriage that ended tragically, whether it ended in death or divorce.   
This casts a pall on everyone present.  The wedding is supposed to be a new 
 beginning, not a longing glance back.
 
I would also say, regarding parents who are not totally happy with their  
children's choice of mate, that that is still not the same as a child who in 
his  heart carries a loyalty to the missing parent and a grievance against 
the other  parent for his "disloyalty" (whether remarrying after being 
widowed or after a  divorce).  The child at a wedding is, literally, torn.  He 
wants to be  happy for his father but cannot forget his mother.  The 
disgruntled  parents at their child's wedding have no such divided loyalties.  
 
Another factor has to do with tznius, that is, a child should not think of  
his parents as romantic, sexual beings.  Every child knows that he was born 
 through immaculate conception and that his own parents never, ever had sex 
(no  matter what anyone /else's/ parents may have done).  Seeing a parent 
marry  a new person makes it very hard /not/ to think of the parent 
consummating the  relationship with a new person -- it almost forces the child to see 
his parents  as sexually active people, which really one never wants to 
think about.  Of  course, after the wedding the new couple are going to share a 
bedroom, but  that's not the same as being at the actual wedding where 
"everybody knows why  they go to the chupa" is operative.  I am not expressing 
this as well as I  would like to, but people play different roles when they 
are courting, falling  in love and marrying than they play when they are 
parenting.  I also feel  strongly that parents should not involve their children 
at all in their dating  and courting lives, and should not introduce their 
children to potential  suitors, until the relationship is very serious and a 
marriage is very  likely.  Whatever cuteness, flirtatiousness, girlishness 
(or boyishness),  go on between two who are courting -- should not be 
witnessed by their  children.
 
 

--Toby Katz
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