[Avodah] Tzeni'us and gender roles

[kennethgmiller at juno.com]

R"n Chana Luntz wrote:

> given the discussion on domestic abuse taking place ...
> according to my understanding, a lot of professionals ...
> have a very negative view of concepts such as kol kavuda
> bas melech penima because they see such concepts as tools
> that are extremely open to, well, abuse...

and

> RMB is hence likely to find, among many (perhaps more
> often women, but not always) a knee jerk negative
> reaction when they see a man lecturing women of the
> virtues of tznius or bas melech penima.

I totally agree that these concepts are ones which are "extremely open to abuse". But this does not mean that the concept is inherently wrong or bad, only that it is easily misused. We need to distinguish betwen proper uses of the concept, and improper uses of it.

In the case here, I'd like to focus on RCL's example, in which she used the word "lecturing".

My teachers taught me many things about relationships in general and marriage in particular. One of those lessons was the importance of focusing on one's OWN obligations and responsibilities, and not so much (if at all) on the other person's obligations and responsibilities. In short, for a husband to "lecture" his wife on "the virtues of tznius or bas melech penima" is a recipe for disaster.

I note that RCL did not write of a husband lecturing his wife, but of a generic "man lecturing women". These lectures can come from her father, or from her teachers (or, perhaps best, from her mother or friends). But when they come from her husband, I think that is where the abuse begins.

Akiva Miller

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