[Avodah] A troubling halacha

[Joseph Kaplan]

I'm over 60 years old and have been davening in MO shuls my whole  
life.  I have also been part of MO communities my whole life and have  
come into contact many many many times with people who are going  
through aveilut for relatives.  And during that time I have seen most  
people say kaddish for relatives other than parents even if there are  
children saying kaddish for the deceased. It's my impression that the  
vast majority of people I have come in contact with in this situation  
do say kaddish, although only for 30 days.

I'm no expert in halacha and therefore cannot opine on what the  
halacha says about this.  But it seems to me that the current minhag  
in the MO community is that people say kaddish for at least 30 days  
for siblings, children and spouses even if there are children saying  
kaddish as well.  Indeed, I recall hearing (it may be an urban legend  
but I have heard it a number of times from different people) that  
RYBS said kaddish for his wife for a number of years following her  
death and when asked why he said "it's the least I can do." That,  
perhaps is the community R. Lamm was speaking about in his book. And  
unless there's an issur in such a person saying kaddish, I think it's  
an error to say that it's an *error* to say kaddish in this  
situation.  It may not be required and it may not have been the  
custom in times past, but it certainly seems to be the custom in the  
communities in which I was raised and in which I have lived for many  
years.

One last personal note.  In the past eight years my wife and I have  
sat shiva for all four of our parents, together with our brothers and  
sisters.  The thought that had circumstances required one of us to be  
in another country at the time of death and we would not have been  
told of these events and would have been deprived if sitting shiva  
together with the rest of our family (putting aside the issue of  
kaddish and male and female differences in obligation) is simply  
appalling.  If it is the halacha, I guess it's the halacha, but that  
doesn't make it any less appalling in my mind.  I therefore hope that  
there are those who say that there is more than one opinion of what  
the halacha is in such a situation.

Joseph Kaplan