[Avodah] RSRH: A Time-Honored Jewish custom

[Yitzchok Levine]

In his essay on 
<http://www.stevens.edu/golem/llevine/rsrh/jewish_woman.pdf>The 
Jewish Woman RSRH discusses how Rivka was chosen to be Yitzchok's 
wife.  On pages 107 - 108 he writes regarding how this Shidduch was 
decided upon and then comments on how other shidduchim should be 
decided upon. YL

It is significant that the one person whose wishes should have been 
regarded as decisive in this arrangement has nothing to say in the 
matter. Isaac, whose wishes should have mattered the most, remains 
silent throughout. While Rebecca is asked for her approval before any 
arrangements are made in her behalf, Isaac permits his father and his 
father's faithful servant complete freedom to act for him in a matter 
which, more than anything else, will be decisive for his personal 
happiness. Does this story not reflect a character trait in the 
family of Abraham that still predominates within the families of 
Abraham's true spiritual heirs today, promoting their true happiness 
throughout life? How much ridicule has been wasted on the fact that 
until very recent times Jewish marriages were made not by the 
well-known blind deity with his quiver of arrows but solely on the 
basis of thorough, rational consideration by the parents and families 
of both parties!

Here again we see a time-honored Jewish custom, with its good common 
sense, that has proven more effective than any other approach in the 
promotion of personal happiness. In other societies marriages are 
made by emotions as blind as their god of love. Passion acts as the 
matchmaker, thus excluding, from the very outset, the role of calm 
reflection in a matter where dispassionate consideration would seem 
to be of the essence. Partners whose emotions are blinded by passion 
never get to know one another before marriage; as a result, they 
enter marriage with notions and expectations that have no relation to 
reality. But very soon reality brings disillusionment, chilling the 
passions and estranging the partners from one another. Jewish 
marriages, on the other hand, are made on the basis of calm 
deliberation and careful reflection, testing whether the prospective 
partners are mutually compatible in their emotions, character, 
personality and all the other factors that determine marital 
happiness. These are considerations and reflections of which neither 
the young man nor the young woman are capable but which are within 
the capability of the parents, relatives and friends of both parties. 
Only when good common sense would approve of the union are the 
couple's feelings toward one another taken into account. That is why 
statistics show a disproportionately higher percentage of happy 
marriages among Jews than among members of other societies. 
Therefore, too, in Jewish marriages the wedding* is not the climax 
but only the highly promising seeding of love that unfolds more and 
more with every passing day of the marriage. This is a love that, as 
the partners pass through life's days of sunshine and tempest, 
becomes ever more firmly rooted and bursts into ever more glorious 
flower as the two hearts grow into one another and the two souls. 
deeply involved in the serious business of life. become aware of what 
they mean to one another and realize what a treasure each has in the 
other. An Isaac who chooses his Rebecca on his own may well make a 
mistake, but an Isaac who permits his father Abraham to bring him his 
Rebecca will rarely be disillusioned.

Note, finally. the striking contrast between the Aramite family on 
the one hand and the family of Abraham on the other. See Isaac 
permitting his father to act for him in the most serious decision of 
his life. On the other hand, see Rebecca's brother, Laban, rudely 
pushing his aged father. Bethuel, aside when this most important 
family concern is discussed, impudently lording it over the family 
and shoving the "old man" into a corner like so much castoff 
household refuse. Even when the family is called upon to give its 
formal sanction to the proposed marriage, Laban does not allow his 
father to speak before him. The "old man" does not get any of the 
delicacies that Eliezer has brought for Rebecca's family. It is the 
son and his mother that do all the talking (with the son speaking 
before his mother. which was considered proper), and when the 
bride  receives the family's blessing as she leaves her home to go 
with Eliezer, it is not her father but her brother who blesses the 
departing daughter.

* R. Hirsch alludes to the German term for "wedding," Hochzeif. 
literally "high time" or "climax." (Ed.)
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