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<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial>One might ask why there has to be a halakhic
obligation to mourn for anyone. After all, most people feel a sense of
grief at the loss of those who are dear to them and we might think there is
no need to ritualize that. Still, halakha requires minimum periods
of mourning and specifies rites and obligations of grief, just as it sets
requirements for all other aspects of our lives.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial>This is just a guess, but it seems to me that the
year-long mourning period mandated for a parent is a response to the complexity
of the child-parent relationship--the tension that often exists between personal
feelings and moral obligations. There are children who do not feel
particularly mournful at the death of a parent or whose mourning is mixed with
relief (or worse). There are also children who are waiting to inherit and
are more preoccupied with that than they are with grief. (I hasten to add
that I still very much miss my parents many years after their loss, so I am not
speaking from personal experience.) In response to this, the halakha
*obligates* the child to mourn, whether or not he wants to, conveying the
idea that whatever the nature of the child's relationship
with his parents, he owes them the ultimate hakarat hatov for having been
given life through them and must therefore enact mourning even if he does not
entirely feel it.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial>In contrast, the loss of a child is almost
universally an experience of utter devastation for any parent. The halakha
does not have to enforce mourning, since the parent will likely grieve over the
child as long as the parent lives. In any event, the parent has very
few (if any) halakhic obligations to his child. The 'official' period of
mourning is, therefore, relatively short.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial>By the same token, the loss of a spouse is either
felt as a tragedy or not, while in some cases, the spouse may feel
ambivalent. In any event, death dissolves the actual bond of marriage
with its attendant obligations. After the death of a spouse, one's
conduct and feelings with respect to that relationship are no longer a
matter of obligation but of personal emotion. The halakha therefore
requires a mourning period, but, as in the case of a child, makes it relatively
short, leaving personal aspects of grieving to the bereaved (or not terribly
bereaved) spouse.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial>If my theory is correct, the year-long mourning for
a parent is meant to over-ride or compensate for situations where the child
might not grieve sufficiently.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial>Kol tuv,</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=2 face=Arial>Simi Peters</FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>