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<DIV><FONT lang=0 color=#000000 size=2 face=Arial FAMILY="SANSSERIF" PTSIZE="10"><FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" color=#000000 size=2 face=Arial>From: Isaac Balbin <Isaac.Balbin@rmit.edu.au><BR>To:
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<DIV><FONT lang=0 color=#000000 size=2 face=Arial FAMILY="SANSSERIF" PTSIZE="10"><FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" color=#000000 size=2 face=Arial>>> I draw your attention to the recently published Divrei
HaRav, where an ex-C B'aal Tshuva asked whether he should attend the C service
for his brother's Bar Mitzvah. RYBS was very very uncomfortable, and to be sure,
you *can't* learn from one situation to another, but his advice was to daven
beforehand in a proper minyan, attend, but never answer Amen, and stand when
they sit, and sit when they stand! This might even be interpreted as being
mekayem the mitzvah to be moche! <<<BR></FONT></FONT></DIV>
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<DIV>>>>>></DIV>
<DIV>My father (R' Nachman Bulman, for newbies) held that it is assur to
enter a C or R sanctuary for any reason. He, and much of the RW Torah
world, sharply disagreed with RYBS and parts of the MO world on this
issue. (At the same time he held RYBS in great esteem -- he was a student
of RYBS and never denied the Rav's greatness.)</DIV>
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<DIV>Personally R' Bulman dealt with numerous individuals, probably
thousands over the years, who had serious family conflicts with non-O relatives,
non-O simchas and occasions, visits home to non-O parents and so on. He
guided them step by step as to what to say and how to behave in order to be
mefayes their disgruntled relatives. But bending on principle was not part
of the allowable spectrum of reaction to these painful family situations.
With tact and patience, and enough time, the non-frum relatives can eventually
be won over and will ultimately respect you for sticking to your
principles.</DIV>
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<DIV>My father did not consider his stance to be a policy decision but a
halachic decision.</DIV>
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<DIV>Not only did he consider it halachically wrong to enter a C sanctuary, he
also considered it wrong -- a violation of midvar sheker tirchak -- to secretly
daven at home and then pretend to pray in the C synagogue.</DIV>
<DIV>On that latter point at least it seems he would have agreed with RYBS not
to answer Amen in a C sanctuary, not to stand when they stand and so
on. If a person was going to violate the first issur by entering the C
sanctuary for a family bar mitzva, he should at least not compound his sin by
appearing to pray there, i.e., he should not even open a siddur in the C
sanctuary but should sit in the back obviously not praying.</DIV>
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<DIV>However, a BT should /not/ cut his ties with his family and should not
write them off. That's a subject for a another thread, maybe for a
book. Harsh and angry words from the non-O relatives should be met with
soft and loving words, and patience. The work you do on your
own middos will ultimately do much more to win their affection and respect
than any attempt on your part to meet them on their turf.</DIV>
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<DIV><FONT lang=0 color=#0000ff size=2 face=Arial FAMILY="SANSSERIF" PTSIZE="10"><BR><B>--Toby Katz<BR>==========<BR><BR></FONT><FONT lang=0 color=#000000 size=2 face=Arial FAMILY="SANSSERIF" PTSIZE="10"></B>--------------------
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