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<DIV><FONT lang=0 face=Arial color=#000000 size=2 FAMILY="SANSSERIF"
PTSIZE="10"><FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000
size=2><BR>> Children "fashter" the simcha because in their hearts they
are<BR>> never wholeheartedly besimcha to see one parent marrying<BR>>
another partner, whether the other parent died or was "lost"<BR>> because of
divorce. [--TK]</FONT></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT lang=0 face=Arial color=#000000 size=2 FAMILY="SANSSERIF"
PTSIZE="10"><FONT style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent" face=Arial color=#000000
size=2></FONT></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT lang=0 face=Arial color=#000000 size=2 FAMILY="SANSSERIF"
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<DIV><BR>>>On the one hand, despite many posts in this thread, and the
several sources offered for this practice, this is the first and (so far) only
attempt at explaining the *reasons* behind this practice. And for that I offer
my thanks to RTK.<BR><BR>But I still don't understand it.<BR><BR>Are you
suggesting that a person should not attend a wedding unless he will be there
"wholeheartedly besimcha"?<BR><BR>Would that logic forbid a parent to attend a
child's wedding, if the parent is opposed to this shidduch? ...<<</DIV>
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<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Akiva Miller</FONT></FONT></DIV>
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<DIV>>>>>>
<DIV>I don't think what I wrote about children not being wholeheartedly besimcha
is the whole, or only, reason. I didn't mean it to be exhaustive.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>A factor related to what I wrote, about children putting a chill on their
parents' wedding, is that the children are tangible reminders for everyone
to see -- the chasan and kallah and all the guests -- that there was a previous
marriage that ended tragically, whether it ended in death or divorce.
This casts a pall on everyone present. The wedding is supposed to be a new
beginning, not a longing glance back.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>I would also say, regarding parents who are not totally happy with their
children's choice of mate, that that is still not the same as a child who in his
heart carries a loyalty to the missing parent and a grievance against the other
parent for his "disloyalty" (whether remarrying after being widowed or after a
divorce). The child at a wedding is, literally, torn. He wants to be
happy for his father but cannot forget his mother. The disgruntled
parents at their child's wedding have no such divided loyalties. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Another factor has to do with tznius, that is, a child should not think of
his parents as romantic, sexual beings. Every child knows that he was born
through immaculate conception and that his own parents never, ever had sex (no
matter what anyone /else's/ parents may have done). Seeing a parent marry
a new person makes it very hard /not/ to think of the parent consummating the
relationship with a new person -- it almost forces the child to see his parents
as sexually active people, which really one never wants to think about. Of
course, after the wedding the new couple are going to share a bedroom, but
that's not the same as being at the actual wedding where "everybody knows why
they go to the chupa" is operative. I am not expressing this as well as I
would like to, but people play different roles when they are courting, falling
in love and marrying than they play when they are parenting. I also feel
strongly that parents should not involve their children at all in their dating
and courting lives, and should not introduce their children to potential
suitors, until the relationship is very serious and a marriage is very
likely. Whatever cuteness, flirtatiousness, girlishness (or boyishness),
go on between two who are courting -- should not be witnessed by their
children.</DIV>
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<DIV><FONT lang=0 face=Arial color=#0000ff size=2 FAMILY="SANSSERIF"
PTSIZE="10"><BR><B>--Toby Katz<BR>==========<BR><BR></FONT><FONT lang=0
face=Arial color=#000000 size=2 FAMILY="SANSSERIF"
PTSIZE="10"></B>--------------------
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