[Avodah] [YULamdan] The unforgivable sin I committed Yom Kippur morning

[Micha Berger via Avodah]

I assume YULamdan included this less-lomdish-than-usual piece for
the same reason I am. Regardless of where you daven this Yom Kippur,
there is some chance an unfamiliar face will show up on Yom Kippur.

And their entire lives could be changed by whether or not we are too
embarassed / lazy / busy with our own davening to say "Hello!"

One of the Mussar Movements foundation stories tells of when Rav Yisrael
realized he needed to start a movement, rather than continue to follow
Rav Zundel's example and quietly work only on himself.

Rav Yisrael was away from home and didn't have a machzor, a Yom Kippur
prayer book. At one point he lost his place and needed to peer over
another person's shoulder. He got shoved in response to his efforts.
How dare you interrupt my concentration! At that point Rav Yisrael
realized that he couldn't keep Mussar to himself and had to share it
with the world. Rav Yisrael realized that when people value their own
prayer more than helping someone else -- and think that's what is going
to get them forgiven on Yom Kippur -- Judaism got derailed somewhere.

GCT!
-Micha

The unforgivable sin I committed Yom Kippur morning
October 10, 2016 / theyulamdan
https://yulamdan.com/2016/10/10/the-unforgivable-sin-i-committed-yom-kippur-morning

With my mind racing with what I would be saying in synagogue, how I
will be praying, and the powerful meaning of this day, I barely noticed
what was going on in the street. I rushed into synagogue thinking of ten
different things at the same time. As I walked in, right when the service
was about to begin, I looked around at the empty seats which would all
be full once we got started, my eyes caught two young ladies sitting
down, looking around with hesitation. They seemed like real outsiders;
they did not know that most people don't show up at the time the morning
service is called for. They seemed unsure as to whether they were in the
right seat or not, why the place was not full yet, and what prayer they
should be saying right now. They projected uncertainty and insecurity.

My instinct pushed me to walk over to them, ask them where they are
from, or if anything I can do for them. I didn't. I had hundreds of
people coming to the service, sermons and comments to deliver, and my
own praying to do. I can speak to them when the service is over, I told
myself. They will be fine, I thought-they werenat.

Twenty minutes later I looked around again, they were gone. Realizing
what had happened, I started to panic. I looked again. And again. And
again. But they were gone. They had left the synagogue and I never saw
them again.

These two young ladies, are just some of the thousands of Jews who step
through our synagogues during the High Holiday season, and I was just
one of the many who failed to engage them and make sure they felt welcome
and at home in synagogue.

This was yet another validation of the statistics showing one of four
Jews leaving religion, a growing number of Jews without an affiliation,
and many Jews no longer identifying as Jewish, which have been the gloomy
talking points in Jewish circles ever since the Pew study of American-Jews
was released in 2013.
<http://www.pewforum.org/2013/10/01/jewish-american-beliefs-attitudes-culture-survey>

Mistakes can serve as obstacles that disparage and devitalize us; they
can also serve as powerful, invigorating, and eye-opening experiences.
So I decided to make the most of this horrible mistake.

I spent many hours looking into the subject of inclusion and the
power of greeting and had since learned that the power of inclusion,
welcoming, and increased connectivity are not only socially appreciated
but scientifically necessary.

In study published in Psychological Science,
http://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2012/01/13/0956797611427921.full?papetoc
http://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2012/01/13/0956797611427921.extract
lead author Dr. Eric Wesselman, a psychology professor at Purdue
University, points out that:" simple eye contact is sufficient to
convey inclusion. In contrast, withholding eye contact can signal
exclusiona¦Diary data suggest that people feel ostracized even when
strangers fail to give them eye contact. Experimental data confirm that
eye contact signals social inclusion, and lack of eye contact signals
ostracism. Wesselman went on to [20]experiment the matter and found that
people who were "looked through" as if they were thin air-even in busy
and crowded areas- felt more disconnected than those who were looked at.
http://www.citylab.com/housing/2012/06/why-you-should-say-hello-strangers-street/2141/

It is safe to say though, that we all know that others appreciate being
acknowledged, smiled at, and welcomed. So why don't we do it as often
as we should? A 2005 study published in the Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology shows that the main reason we fail to engage with
others as often as we would like to is because of our fear of rejection
and that others will not be interested in engaging with us.
http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/88/1/91/
We believe that others lack interest and for that reason fail to engage
them. True, some people probably do lack interest and want to be left
alone --- most people don't.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-small-talk/201203/the-power-hello

I went on to experiment on this in my own armature way. I started saying
hello to people I had never met, inviting them for a Shabbat meal, or
just having a small chat. No surprises here. Most people were really
moved, appreciative, and receptive to those gestures.

Amy Rees Anderson, points out in her Forbes article "Make Eye Contact,
Smile and Say Hello," how we have all been in a situation social situation
where nobody knew us. "Then some superhero a a stranger acomes up and
smiles, puts out their hand and says ahello." A And just like that,
the awkwardness is over."
http://www.forbes.com/forbes/welcome/?toURL=http://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2014/01/27/make-eye-contact-smile-and-say-hello
http://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/community/miami-dade/community-voices/article44762559.html#storylink=cpy

This year, let's make an effort to be another person's superhero.

As Jews, we have now been "traveling" together for more than three
thousand years. We have faced our spiritual and physical utter
obliteration time and again, and yet we survived. At times of distress
and persecution we stand united and the strength we find in turning to
each other helped us survive. However, this cannot be what brings us
together. As Lord Jonathan Sacks, former Chief Rabbi of the United
Kingdom points out "If unity is to be a value it cannot be one that is
sustained by the hostility of others alone." 
http://www.rabbisacks.org/topics/jewish-unity/

Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are great opportunities to stand up to our
shared historical experience, the undeniable bond of the present, and
create a bright destiny for Jewish future. Let us reach out to each
other with love, friendship, and kindness. We owe it to ourselves,
we owe it to each other, we owe it to our history. Most importantly,
we owe it to our future.

Shana Tova.
Published in the Jewish Journal, October 5th, 2016