[Avodah] Aveilus, abusive parent who's a Rasha, Chonef

Rabbi Meir G. Rabi via Avodah avodah at lists.aishdas.org
Sat Sep 10 18:34:29 PDT 2016


We are not permitted to observe Aveilus for an abusive parent because one
thereby transgresses the Issur of Chanufa.

How does practicing Aveilus suggest the parent was a good person?

We are not permitted to show Aveilus for a Rasha. Suicide, if not for being
assessed as a temporary state of insanity, must be buried in a separate
part of the cemetery and the relatives must not sit Shiva (YD 345) because
the suicide is defined as a Rasha. Practising Aveilus for such a person,
quite clearly violates Rabbenu Yona, ShTeShuvah 189
category 2 by publicly showing this person was not a Rasha.
- "the Chonef who praises the Rasha be it in the presence of the Rasha or
not, even though he does not defend the evil ..
but simply says he's a good guy."

Keep in mind, the parent may not be a Rasha if they've shown even the
slightest remorse notwithstanding their refusal to even attempt to mollify
their victims. That's a very tough painful evaluation.

I also suspect that it may be prohibited to sit Shiva for an abusive parent
because it may well pose a V serious risk to the victim. Especially if they
are young, I mean less than 30, and perhaps even under 40, because their
perspectives about life and those who gave them Halachic guidance when they
were impressionable, will most likely change.

It is also an ongoing risk to this person's children, no matter what the
links, it is statistically significant that those who grew up under
domineering aggressive, even passive aggressive, parents are much more
likely to inflict some aggression and violence on their own children.
Denying the legitimacy of their experience, that their parent was a Rasha,
being coerced by community and rabbinic expectations, to pretend that
everything was normal in this person's tortured life, is just rubbing salt
into open wounds, unfeelingly, deliberately. It invalidates their life and
their trauma.

In Melbourne Australia we've had an official government public inquiry into
abuse in the Jewish Frum schools. It's not pretty. But the worst was not
the abuse, it was the attitude that the institution and the big names must
not be sullied, all the rest is just damage control.
And we wonder why we're still in Gallus.
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