[Avodah] honoring the deceased's wish

[Harry Maryles]

---  From: Micha Berger <micha at aishdas.org> 
>> I seem to recall someone posting here years ago the notion that we ignorerequests that violate minhagim of aveilus on the grounds that we can
assume that the niftar's wishes have changed now that they are niftar.

Maybe it was during our discussion of the survivor who wanted to be
buried in their striped uniform. He wanted to defend himself before the
beis din shel maalah by being able to point to his garment and declare
that he already served his time in gehenom, and thus there was only
one place to send him. (In that case, RMF pasqened that that particular
request should be met, despite the practice since Rabban Gamliel's day
of burying in white linen.) <<--------------------
I may have mentoned this before but...
My great, great grandfather going back 7 generations had this exact issue and the Sefer "Shaarim Mitzuyainim B'Halacha"  'brings it down'.
Rav Shimon M'Yaroslav Maryles was a Talmud Muvhak of the Chozeh M'Lublin - one of the early Chasidic masters. His father, R' Yisroel Leib Elbaum was ardent Misnagid. He of course vehemently opposed his son's "conversion" to Chasidus. 
On his death bed, R' Yisroel Leib told his son, R' Shimon, that if he said "V'Yatzmach Pukonei V'Korev Meshichei" in Kaddish, then he should not say Kaddish for him. After R' Yisroel Leib's Petrirah, R' Shimon said Kaddish without that phrase. 
The Chozeh saw him saying Kaddish quietly and asked  why he was not saying it louder so that everyone could hear him and answer properly. 
R' Shimon told him about his father's Tzava'ah. Whereupon the Chozeh told him that R' Yisroel Leib was in the Olam Ha'Emes now and knew that the correct Nusach was Nusach Sephard (which is used by most Chasidim) which includes that phrase. Implying that he should start saying it.
I'm not sure what R' Shimon did after that. But at least one of my older family members told me that R' Shimon continued to honor his father's wishes after that.
HM


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