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item, '<a href="http://www.aishdas.org/asp/unconscious-apologize">If I'm
unconscious about it should I still apologize?</a>'<br />
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<font size=+1><br />
<div class="pf-content"><p><a
href="https://judaism.stackexchange.com/users/4762/user4762">user4762</a>
asked the above question on <a href="https://judaism.stackexchange.com">Mi
Yodeya</a>, and I liked how my answer turned out so I’m sharing it
here.</p>
<p>Question:</p>
<h3 style="padding-left: 30px;"><a class="question-hyperlink"
href="https://judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/89886/if-im-unconscious-about-it-should-i-still-apologise">If
I’m unconscious about it should I still apologise?</a></h3>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Someone else points out to me that I have hurt
another person by something I’ve done or said, but any of the following
apply, then how should I deal with it? How should I react?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">1) I’m unaware of it, or<br />
2) I am not sure or can’t remember whether I actually said something or
did something or not, or<br />
3) if I just experienced it differently, or<br />
4) if I’m just convinced that I didn’t do anything of what has
been pointed out to me, and<br />
5) besides it wasn’t my intention to hurt the other person in any
case.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Could it be possible I did an unconscious sin
against a fellow Jew?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>How can I solve such a situation
</em>halachically <em>or conform with the Torah’s requirements?</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Is it then sufficient (and my duty) to
recognize the other person in his feeling and show understanding by saying
something like: “I’m sorry if something has happened, been said or
done, that may have hurt you. Never and never have I wanted, not was it my
intention to hurt you deliberately, consciously or unconsciously.”</p>
<h3>Answer:</h3>
<div class="post-text">
<p>As pragmatic <em>halakhah</em>, I would think (although I don’t give
halachic rulings) that the question is a non-starter. If one isn’t
obligated to ask <em>mechilah</em> (ask for forgiveness) in this context, one
would still be obligated to maintain the peace. The fact remains someone may
be annoyed or angry and you can do something to alleviate it. The whole
question of guilt aside.</p>
<p>The Torah says, “לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א
אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ הוֹכֵ֤חַ
תּוֹכִ֙יחַ֙ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶ֔ךָ
וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֥א עָלָ֖יו חֵֽטְא׃ — Do not hate
your brother in your heart; you shall surely rebuke your compatriot, and do
not carry a sin for him.” (Vayiqra 19:17) From the middle of this verse,
we learn the obligation to rebuke others. However, commentaries on the verse
itself notice the combination of clauses and suggest a second <em>mitzvah</em>
is being given as the more literal read (<em>peshat</em>) of the verse. For
example the Chizquni (only because I can cut-n-paste <a
href="https://www.sefaria.org/Chizkuni,_Leviticus.19.17.1?lang=bi"
rel="nofollow noreferrer">a translation from Sefaria</a>):</p>
<blockquote>
<p dir="rtl">לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך אם שמעת שהעוה
לך לא תהיה נוטר לו שנאה בלבבך מסותרת אלא
הוכיח תוכיח אותו מדוע עשית לי כך ושמא מתוך
כך יתברר הדבר כי הכל שקר ולא נתכוין למה
שאתה סבור, או יתקן את מה שהעוה ומתוך כך לא
תשא עליו חטא לחשדו בדבר שאינו. ד״א הוכח
תוכיח את עמיתך אם ראית בו ערות דבר תוכיחנו.
אבל אם לא תוכיחנו תשא עליו חטא לחשדו בדבר
שאינו.</p>
<p>“Do not hate your brother (fellow Jew) in your heart.” If it has come
to your attention that that Jew made negative comments about you, accused you
falsely behind your back of wrongdoing, do not bottle your resentment up in
your heart by hating him.” You should rather הוכח תוכיח את
עמיתך, “remonstrate with your colleague about having wrongly accused
you,” asking him what prompted him to badmouth you. Perhaps, once matters
are in the open you can demonstrate to your colleague that he completely
misinterpreted one of your actions. Alternately, you will become aware that
what had been reported to you as having said by him about you was
misrepresented, and not meant detrimentally at all. (B’chor Shor) You are to
act in this manner even if you are convinced that your remonstrations will not
help at all. In fact, your failure to make an attempt at reconciliation will
be held against you by the heavenly tribunal. This is why the verse concludes
with the words: “ולא תשא עליו חטא — so that you will
not burden him with a sin.”</p></blockquote>
<p>So, there is a <em>mitzvah</em> in the Torah to clear the air. After all,
animosity is prohibited (except of the truly evil person).</p>
<p>The only caveat I would give is the famous dispute between Rav Yisrael
Salanter and the Chafeitz Chaim. In R Yisrael Meir haKohein’s Seifer
Chafeitz Chaim, he rules that if one intentionally did something that would
hurt another if they knew about it, in his case — spoke ill about them
— one still has to ask <em>mechilah</em> in order to do
<em>teshuvah</em> for it. Rav Yisrael Salanter was asked to give a letter of
approbation to the work and refused to do so unless this one ruling were taken
out. It wasn’t. (This story might be apocryphal or not, but the ruling
is at part 1, 4:12. <a
href="https://www.torahmusings.com/2013/10/why-forgive/" rel="nofollow
noreferrer">Torah Musings has a nice discussion</a> of sources for this
dispute that includes exploring what’s the purpose of asking
<em>mechilah</em>; probably of interest to you given the question.)</p>
<p>But in our case, if one isn’t really guilty, and the only point would
be to clear the air, then I would think even the Chafeitz Chaim would agree
that one shouldn’t mention the offense when there is no ill will to be
resolved.</p>
<p>As for guilt, there are still ways a person might be guilty even though
they acted unintentionally, while asleep, under compulsion, etc…</p>
<p>1- Criminal neglect. Perhaps the offense happened in a situation I should
have been more careful to avoid. So that even while I offended accidentally, I
am guilty of putting myself in the situation where that accident were
possible. Of course, that depends on circumstance. As the <em>mishnah</em>
says (Bava Qama 2:6), “אדם מועד לעולם, בין בשוגג
בין במזיד, בין בין ער בין ישן — a person is always
forewarned [of liability to do damage], whether asleep or awake.” The
Nemuqei Yoseif explains the point of “whether asleep” as including
things done without will, “<em>be’oneis</em>” (under
compulsion). Which is consistent with the variant version found in the
<em>talmud</em> (Sanhedrin 72a) which ends, “בין באונס בין
ברצון — whether under compulsion or willingly.”</p>
<p>2- There is a principle about how Divine Providence works,
“מגלגלים חובה על ידי חייב — they [in heaven]
bring about a deleterious [event] through someone deleterious.” (Tana
deVei Eliyahu Rabba ch. 15; based on <em>diburei hamaschil</em>, this is also
Rashi’s version of Taanis 29a, but our text has “וחובה
ליום חייב — and deleterious [event] on a deleterious
day”.)</p>
<p>G-d has many potential ways of bringing trial to that other person’s
life. If He chose a particular someone, that person is experiencing something
that is supposed to wake him up about how he is living his own life.</p>
<p>So, while one may not be guilty of the thing in question, there apparently
is <strong>something</strong> along those lines that Hashem is trying to get
that person to do <em>teshuvah</em> for. And starting by clearing the air with
this person may be a good way to start.</p>
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