[Avodah] informing on death

[Eli Turkel via Avodah]

One of the halachot that has bothered me for a long time is the law not to
tell people about a death except for sons who need to say kaddish. Even
daughters or other relatives are told after 30 days.
(BTW I have seen other explanations of the relevant gemara of Rav and R.
Hiya)

A story with my mother who was told about the death of her brother (in
another country) only after 30 days. Whenever she called she was given an
excuse why the brother was not available. My mother was upset for a long
time by the loss of sitting shiva which for most people is a great help.
Furthermore whenever afterwards she would call another brother and he was
not available her immediate reaction was ":what are they hiding from me".

As stated not allowing relatives to sit shiva is in most cases not a
favor.  Of course there are always exceptions. It is rumored that Rav
Elyashiv was never told of the death of his daughter, Rbn Kanievsky,
because of his fragile health. When the brother Shmuel  of RYBS died,
RYBS's wife was very sick. Whenever he went to the hospital to visit his
wife, during the shiva, he would put on regular clothing so that his wife
would not know of the death.

Today, not telling is even dangerous since there is a great likelihood that
one will find out through phone calls, messaging, social media etc. When a
soldier is killed in action the army send a messenger together with a
social worker/psychologist to inform the relatives. It has happened several
times that before the army personnel arrive the family has already heard
through messages.
I heard from a rabbi in charge of autopsies that he regulkarly informs all
family members because of these concerns.

Nevertheless, I have recently experienced several occasions where people
send out sms's about a death. I find these extremely dangerous. A close
relative or freind needs to be told of a loss in an appropriate manner at
the right time and place. My wife recently lost a close freind while we
were abroad. Some person took it upon themselve to send an sms about the
loss. Fortunately, I knew what had happened and "confiscated" my wife's
phone. I dread to think what would have happened had she been sitting at
some cafe or other event and read the SMS and would start crying or
screaming in public.

In conclusion people should think twice about the appropriate way of
informing someone about a loss. Most cases sending a text message or
postong on facebook is the wrong way

-- 
Eli Turkel
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