[Avodah] kibud av ve-em

[Samuel Svarc]

On Thu, Aug 22, 2013 at 8:43 AM, Eli Turkel <eliturkel at gmail.com> wrote:

> I was recently learning hilchot kibud av ve-em in our weekly halacha shiur.
> It seems theo me that at least it my circles it is virtually impossible
> for any modern teenager to keep these halachot
> some examples
>
> <SNIP>
> Any ideas for a modern family with teenagers?
> We have discussed many times on this list teenagers going OTD. These
> halachot might be an extra wedge for kids already having problems. It seems
> the situation is even worse when the father is a TC. In many cases mechila
> doesnt seem to help.
>

Whoever heard of this or practiced this? The main thing by chinuch is to
bind the kid with cords of love to oneself. Here are the words of RSRH
(Soncino edition page 414), "In those years, parents, become friends to
your children; let the son and the daughter have no greater or closer
friend than father and mother - parents, too, have no greater or more
natural friends than their children when grown up. As in their childhood
years, son and daughter must go on living their lives openly and trustfully
under your eyes, they must pour their heart into yours, and should heaven
and earth abandon them they must ever find loyal support, at once kindly
and stern, in father and mother. And will you thrust from you this boon of
friendship, the fairest flower of the relationship between parents and
children? It will certainly blossom for you if you yourselves do not crush
it out of sheer ignorance, if you do not insist on seeing in the young man
and young woman nothing more than a mere boy and girl, if you do not forget
that as they grow older they must be treated differently and you must
become friends to them in order that they may become friends to you."

IMHO, this is why a parent can be mochel on things that others can't. No
one wants that parents to be doormats and that won't have the desired
effect, but neither will a 'kaptonus' on kavod. I saw a quote years ago
(from a non-Jewish actress regarding her husband), who when hearing the key
in the door would think, "Goody! The party is about to start."

Human relationships have ups and downs, but if the general feeling in a
relationship is a feeling of comfort and happiness, if a child views his
home as a place of "good" (security, friendship, happiness) then the parent
has a basis to pull the kid to Torah, to mitzvos. Otherwise, chinuch is
nigh impossible.

One should have a Rav who knows them and their situation. This way, if one
fears that a child asking for food is a breach of halacha, one can inquire
by their Rav.

A final thought. The Minchas Elozor travelled to EY to meet the Grash
Alfandri. Once there, the Minchos Elozor davened at Kever Rochel, where he
saw the Alfandri eating. He inquired as to why the Alfandri would eat at
Kever Rochel and was told that the Alfandri recalls his mothers love and
concern for him when she gave him food to eat; when he eats at Kever Rochel
he feels echoes of that love and he therefore likes to eat there. A parent
feeds a child with love and concern. That a child shouldn't be allowed to
ask for food is bizarre.

KT,
MSS
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://lists.aishdas.org/pipermail/avodah-aishdas.org/attachments/20130823/28526926/attachment-0002.htm>