[Avodah] a troubling halacha

[kennethgmiller at juno.com]

Both onlist and offlist, several people have written to point out that I was mistaken in thinking that all (male) aveilim say kaddish, not just the sons. (Though I did concede that the sons have priority, many communities allow several people to say kaddish together, making priority a non-issue. Also, I always understood that other aveilim would only say kaddish for shloshim, not for the almost-year that the sons do.)

I am not sure where I got this mistaken idea from. But I have several possibilities which I'd like to mention.

Almost 31 years ago, when my father a"h was niftar, a great source of both Torah learning and comfort was "The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning", by Maurice Lamm. At the very bottom of page 169, he writes about kaddish: "While the primary obligation is towards father and mother, it is also said, according to the custom of some communities, for other close relatives: brother, sister, son, daughter, and wife, for the 30-day period." Unfortunately, he does not specify which communities have that custom.

Given that I did have this understanding, I would have been surprised if I was ever in a beis avel, and found the niftar's brother abstaining from kaddish simply because the son was saying it. I would have noticed and remembered such a thing. But I don't recall such ever happening. This supports what someone wrote me offlist, that
> It does, however, seem to be a common error.  At burials,
> I have often had to inform brothers of the niftar, or the
> husband of a nifteres, that they should not say the k'vura
> kaddish, though in the case of the husband, I'm not
> insistent, for obvious emotional reasons.

"Kaddish Yasom", we can conclude, ought to be translated as "Orphan's Kaddish". Anyone have any idea who was the first to call it "Mourner's Kaddish"? How subtle... how insidious! I can't help but suspect that a lifetime of knowing that phrase might have played a big role in my making this error. (Interesting trivia: Total Google hits for "Orphan's Kaddish", with and without the apostrophe: 681; total hits for "Mourner's Kaddish", with and without the apostrophe: 17,470 -- 25 times as many!)

R' Yitzchok Levine wrote:
> Why should one say for a sister or a brother, if they leave
> behind sons who are over Bar Mitzvah who are saying kaddish
> for them? The halacha is, as I understand it, that only one
> person is supposed to say kaddish at a given time. (Today
> this has changed in many places in order to avoid fights
> over who gets to say which kaddish.) From here you see that
> only one person saying kaddish is what is to be done. Why
> have others say kaddish?

It seems to me that while your conclusions may be correct, your logic is in error. What would you says about a case where there are two sons, but they daven in different shuls and will not conflict with each other?

If it is sufficient that the niftar has one person saying kaddish, then one son will suffice. Perhaps the older will say it, or perhaps they'll take turns. But even if they are in different towns, why should one say kaddish, if there are other sons who are over Bar Mitzvah who are saying kaddish for them?

And if you hold that they both would say it, because more saying of kaddish means more zechus for the niftar, then why are you surprised that someone would want to say kaddish "for a sister or a brother, if they leave behind sons who are over Bar Mitzvah who are saying kaddish for them?"

Rather it seems to me that the reason for kaddish to be said by all the sons, and only the sons, is simply because that's the way the minhag was originally done. Not because of any reason which has yet been mentioned in this post.

Akiva Miller
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