[Avodah] a troubling halacha

[kennethgmiller at juno.com]

R' Eli Turkel asked:
> I am still waiting for a source (before KSA) that one
> shouldn't inform relatives of the death of a family
> member (except for kaddish)

On the one hand, Mechaber Yoreh Deah 402:12 says that "there's no obligation". On the other hand, he also brings the pasuk "He who speaks dibbah is a k'sil" (Mishlei 10:18). So you can decide for yourself whether the Mechaber's true intention is that "one need not" or "one should not".

It is the Rama on that se'if who makes the exception for kaddish, and adds (based on the Mahariv) that for daughters, "there is no minhag at all to tell them".

The various nosei kelim there add additional cases, such as Yom Tov, and make it very clear that because of the mitzvah of Simchas Yom Tov, one definitely should not inform the relative in such a case.

So it seems to me that this halacha is quite old, quite authoritative, and uncontested. What I'm looking for is some sort of explanation of why we presume that the potential avel would prefer not to know about the death. Or at least an exception, that if one would happen to know that the potential avel does want to know, that we *should* inform him/her.

We must be missing something. The end of this se'if says that if the potential avel specifically asks about the relative's health, we should not lie, but should give some sort of ambiguous response. Why should this be the halacha? This is certainly seems to be a situation where the person is concerned (or at least interested) about the relative. Why not answer directly? There seems to be a presumption that the person is better off not knowing.

I can understand having such a presumption in unusual situations, such as where the person's health could be affected by hearing such sad news. Or where the person (or another relative) is about to be married very soon. Or where some other major event is coming up that mourning would interfere with. But as I read this halacha, the presumption seems to exist even in very ordinary situations.

And at the same time, this presumption is weak enough that the opportunity to say kaddish trumps it. I must be missing something. What could it be?

Akiva Miller

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